Elliot's Songbird
by NettieC
Summary: When Olivia is seriously injured on the job - Elliot can only blame himself. It's a long road back for them both. This in from Elliot's POV. It is a companion piece to Songbird...it's not necessary to read the other one first but it may help.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. The song's not mine either.**

**This is a companion piece to Songbird. It tells the original story from Elliot's POV. I would suggest you read Songbird first but it won't matter if you don't.**

**This is for all those who requested more from Songbird, especially mhopeg and MrsLee.**

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

****

June

Wednesday

My eyes feel incredibly heavy and my body feels…feels…I don't know, heavy, I guess. I manage to open them…my eyes that is…just a bit and can see Fin and Kathy sitting there…both staring at me, well, I think it's me….I can't be sure, in fact I can't be sure of anything.

Eyes open again…Fin and Kathy…eyes closed.

Fin and Kathy…there's an interesting pair…ha ha. Fin and Kathy sitting in a tree…K I S S something, something G.

Eyes open again…Don and Kathleen…eyes closed.

Don and Kathleen … better be no K I whatever, whatever…no dramas…Don wouldn't do that; he'd never be in a tree…he'd probably fall out and break a hip…

Eyes open again …Mo and the twins…eyes closed.

Mo and the twins…one, two, three…well no…One for Mo and one, two for twins. One, two, three makes no sense for twins…twins …two for the price of one, maybe it should just be one…one.

Eyes open again Fin and Kathy…eyes stay open. Something's not right here; we're back at the beginning but no Munch and no Olivia…No Olivia…NO OLIVIA! I'm looking at them and they're talking…I think they're talking to me but my head is swirling and there's a ringing in my ears that wasn't there before…before…before whatever it was that happened to put me here.

Kathy is coming towards the bed and I can see her lips moving and feel her hand on mine. Funny, we were married for twenty years I can't figure out what she is on about but one look at Olivia and I know everything she has to say. Olivia…where is she?

Ah, the door. Someone's coming in to see me…that has to be Olivia…O….liv…ia, O….liv…ia, come on in. Hang on, you're not Olivia, you're a nurse. God dammit!

Oh, there you are…what the hell are you wearing? Black boots, tight black leather pants, a skin tight black top and …hang on, my eyes aren't opened. This isn't real. Anyway, back to the black leather…and your hair is so curly and blonde…BLONDE? You're not a blonde, Olivia…Hang on…wrong Olivia…this is Newton-John as in Sandy from Grease…I want my Olivia…Olivia Benson….MY Olivia? MY? When did I start thinking of her as mine? Don't care when but it sure as hell sounds right. 

Thursday

Whatever that nurse gave me knocked me out, so here I am again trying to open my eyes and focus…trying to figure out what's happening…what happened…What happened?

Damn, I wish this buzzing in my ears would quit…makes it so hard to concentrate!

What was I thinking? Oh yeah, what happened? What do I remember? What do I remember?

I remember getting up this morning…maybe not this morning but it was definitely morning…I went to work…it was sunny. Why do I remember it was sunny? Is that important?

Went into the precinct, spoke to Don and Olivia came in…why hasn't she come in yet? And he sent us out to…where did he send us? Where? Olivia, where did Don send us? Why am I talking to you, you're not even here?

Oh yeah, sent us to investigate what's-his-name…and we went to the house…a big, red house…it looked like my uncle's house from when I was a kid…except it had green shutters and my uncle had…that's so not the point.

We sat in the car, me and Olivia…she said we should stay put, I said we should go, she said no, I said yes, she said no, I played the 'don't you trust me' card, we went and…BOOM!!! It went boom. The house went boom! I remember flying through the air…it was in slow motion. I hit the pavement and I thought my head would explode next – the pain was unbelievable.

I tried to get up but I couldn't. I tried to look for Olivia but I couldn't see her.

I heard a car and then Fin and Munch yelling. Fin came towards me and Munch ran somewhere else …Hang on, Munch ran somewhere else and I haven't seen him since, haven't seen Olivia since…Did something happen to them? Was there another explosion? Did I kill them? Did I kill Olivia??? Oh my god, I killed her! It's the only explanation….it has to be…I killed her…forced her to go into the house with me and then BOOM it exploded and I killed her….oh sweet Jesus…I killed her……I killed my Olivia.

I think I'm going to hurl…my stomach is forcing itself up through my throat. I can't believe I killed her. I killed her. I should have listened to her in the first place. I should have trusted her. Should have never asked her to trust me. I'm supposed to be the one she can trust more than anyone else in the world, I'm supposed to be her partner, supposed to be the one who has her back…And she did trust me and now she's dead and no one is telling me anything. They must all blame me too.

God I hate myself…why wasn't it me!!! It should have been me…me and not my Olivia.

The tears are streaming down my face when the doctor comes in to see me.

"Are you in pain, Elliot?" he asks. I am in so much pain but it has nothing to do with anything physical. I shake my head. "What wrong?" he asks concern on his face. The noise in my ears has quietened and I can concentrate on his words but it doesn't help me with the answer.

"Elliot?" It's Don coming from behind the doctor and he looks ten years older than I remember. I can't have been unconscious that long. The twins didn't seem to have aged. "Is he alright?" Don addresses the doctor and they chat briefly but I can't hear them.

The doctor leaves, I don't even know his name, and Don walks towards me and stands by the bed. His hand rests on my arm and he looks incredibly tired and downcast.

"How do you feel, El? he asks.

"Ok," I manage. My throat feels strange…it's dry and scratchy.

"You took a fair blast yesterday," Don says. Um, yeah…I know that. "But the doctor says you're going to be fine." And Liv? I want to ask…but I can't get the words to form.

I manage to nod, and he knows what I can't ask.

"Liv's okay, Elliot," he says and I gulp. He can't have possibly said that. I killed her, that can't be okay.

"No!" It comes out on its own.

"Yeah El, she's two rooms away and she's doing alright. She has a leg injury and is not allowed out of bed but she's been conscious the whole time and really wants to see you," Don reports.

"I didn't kill her?" I whisper.

"No you didn't son, she's alive…"

They're the most beautiful words I've ever heard. I didn't kill her; I didn't kill my Liv…Now I just have to get up and go and see her.

I drag myself into a sitting position and try to lower the safety rail so I can get out but Don's stopping me…why is he stopping me? He knows I have to see her…he knows…god, he wasn't lying was he?

"Don, I've gotta see her," I protest, shaking the bed rail.

"No El, you need to stay in bed. You can see her later on…the doctor says you need to get some more rest." He is trying to soothe me but it's not working. He doesn't understand how badly I need to see her right now, how badly I need to touch her, how badly I need…need…need her. I need to see her for myself, need to know, really know I didn't kill her. He doesn't understand that!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**This is for Curses - get well soon Hannah! Love you!**

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

By the time the nurse is finished with her nightly round I have been disconnected from a range of monitors and am only left hooked up to the IV drip. She changes a few of my dressings that I didn't know I had, I think I should really ask someone about my injuries but I honestly I don't care. I just want to get out of this damned room and into Olivia's. Nursie leaves the bed rail down, saying I can be trusted now to stay put given that I'm fully conscious. I smile. No way am I going to stay once the coast is clear.

I bide my time feigning sleep every time someone walks by…don't want to give anyone a heads up as to my plans. When it gets to be about midnight I get out of bed and head off to the bathroom, trying to be sure I can stay on my feet – I can. Which is just as well, crawling on hands and knees into her room might give me away, but make no mistake I'd crawl if I have too.

A quick look around and all's well. My IV stand and I head off to Olivia's room…I head in the direction Don nodded and hope it's the right way. Stopping outside the room I look through the small glass panel and sigh deeply, it's her, she's asleep and she's alone.

Quietly I push the door open and make my way in. The drip stand squeaking as its wheels run over the linoleum. Almost breathless I drop into the chair by her bed; I can't believe I'm exhausted moving just two rooms. Maybe it's the sight of Olivia who's making me breathless – wouldn't be the first time and I know it won't be the last either.

I lean back in the chair and study her face. There are a number of small lacerations, none of which look serious. Her hair is mussed and spread across the pillow. Her dark locks contrast against the stark white pillow, even in the near darkness of her room. There are no monitors and no IV, in fact, aside from the lacerations she looks just like Olivia – just perfect. My Olivia is just perfect...I allow myself to breathe but then I remember Don said she had a leg injury, maybe that's it. I scan down the bed clothes and there is no giveaway sign…no apparent plaster cast or brace, or anything else. Then I take another breath...breathing is supposed to be an automatic function and it is...except when I'm looking at her.

I jump when the door opens.

"Mr Stabler, you shouldn't be in here," says the nurse from earlier.

"I know but I just had to see her," I whisper.

"Okay, you've seen her now; let me take you back to bed." She takes my arm and helps me up. I don't want her to take me back to bed, I only want Olivia. Only want Olivia to take me back to bed…take me to bed…only want Olivia. My eyes go all misty, god, she's the only woman who can reduce me to tears by just being her.

"She'll be okay, Mr Stabler." Before I know it I'm back in bed…I'm alone but my heart is no longer broken. Olivia Benson is alive and well, I didn't kill her. I didn't kill my partner, my Olivia.

Friday

They said I couldn't go home for at least another 24 hours – apparently it has something to do with being unconscious so long. It's fine by me…I never thought I'd say that but it is. So long as Liv's two doors away and alive I'm happy to stay here. I want to go and talk to her but they said she was having some x-rays and scans done so I'll have to wait. Maybe she'll come in here when she's done.

The day seems interminably long…every movement outside has me thinking it's her and I'm exhausted by lunchtime. I spend the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep and then get visits by the kids. They all seem bright and bubbly and are chatting about school and friends and other teenage stuff. I must say the right things because when they leave everyone still seems happy and still talking to each other. I drift off again.

It's black outside when I wake again and I can't figure out just how late it is. Fishing around in my bedside draw I find my watch and am surprised it's already gone one in the morning. Easing myself out of bed I take my friend the IV stand for another walk down the corridor. As I open her door she stirs and for a minute I'm tempted to back out. I stand frozen to the spot and before long she's snoring lightly and I enter the room.

In my heart I have a desperate need to talk to her and instead of sitting in the chair I perch myself on her bed. I'm confusing myself here. I didn't want to come in if she was awake and now she's asleep I need her to wake up. To wake up and tell me herself that's she's okay...that she's fine. That she forgives me. Right now, I'd even take her telling me 'I told you so'. Anything …I just need her to say something, anything.

"Hey, El," she whispers, her eyes trying to focus on my face.

"Hey, Liv," I reply just as softly and lean forward to kiss her forehead. She smiles and instantly I know she's good, I'm good, we're good. I can't find the right words so I kiss her forehead again.

"You okay?" she asks, her eyes struggling to stay open.

"Never better," I answer. Never have I uttered truer words – right here, right now, I have never felt better in my life. "You?"

She smiles. "I'm good, El." She struggles to keep her eyes open and I can see she's exhausted.

"Go back to sleep, Livvy, I'll see you tomorrow." Leaning in to smooth her hair back I can't help but place gentle kisses on the lacerations on her face. I'm not sure if it does anything for her but it sure as hell makes me feel better.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

Saturday

They're saying I can go home and I don't want to, not yet…I need to speak to her, really speak to Olivia. I know I can do that and be discharged but there's something about the silence of a busy hospital in the middle of the night, something conducive to talking. I need one more night for that to happen…one more night to be with her, to make sure we're good. One more night with Olivia…hell, who am I kidding? I want a lifetime of nights with Olivia…nights and days and early mornings and…

God, listen to me, how pathetic do I sound? When did I fall so hard for my partner? When did I cross the line from loving her, just like I love Fin and Munch – in that brotherly way to being in love with her? Jesus Christ, I'm in love with her. Frickin' good time to realise it after I nearly blew her to Kingdom Come – I'd hate to see what I'd do to someone I only liked…I'd probably…

Who cares what I'd probably do…I'm in love with Olivia…IN love…IN. I guess it explains the MY reference…the breathlessness, the sheer panic and distress when I thought I'd killed her. Okay, I'm in love with her…anybody going to tell me what I'm supposed to do now? Anybody? Didn't think so.

It's Saturday…they told me this morning and I forgot but as Dickie and Lizzie come in with my favourite burger for lunch I remember…they're not in their school clothes. Dickie is talking continually about football and Lizzie is totally disinterested, nothing unusual there. But she spends her time pretty much staring out the window and when I've finished my lunch I call her over.

They may be fifteen but she's still my baby girl. She comes over to my bed and her eyes are red rimmed.

"Hey Dickie," I interrupt him. "Can you go down to the cafeteria and grab me a soda, please?" He looks from me to Lizzie and back, and then nods. Lizzie crawls into bed with me and rests her head on my chest. "What's up, baby?"

She sniffles and swipes at her eyes. "I love you, daddy."

"I love you too, Lizzie," I reply softly before kissing her head.

"I'm glad you're alright," she whispers. "And that Livvy will be alright too." She squeezes me tightly and sniffles again.

"What's wrong, baby? I whisper.

"I'm just sad…I mean I'm happy that you're both okay…just sad about Liv," she replied.

"What about Liv is making you sad?" I asked confused.

'The fact that she can't walk…the temporary paraplegia thingy she was telling mom about," she explains.

"What?" I bolt upright, nearly knocking my daughter off the bed in the process. "What's wrong with Olivia?" I yell and she bursts into tears.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry I thought you knew…she…she…" Lizzie sobs not able to get the words out. She begins to move away from me but I grab her and pull her into a hug. "Daddy, I'm so sorry," she sobs.

It's at this moment Don and Kathy come in and both are concerned to see the state Lizzie is in.

"Hey honey," says Kathy coming over to us. "What's wrong?" She rubs her daughter's back as she clings to me.

"Lizzie was just telling me how sorry she was about Olivia's injuries," I say in the calmest voice I can muster, not wanting to upset my daughter any further.

"Yes, it is upsetting, Lizzie," Kathy soothes, "but as Liv said it shouldn't be permanent and she'll be as good as new in no time."

"I know…" Lizzie mumbles.

"So what are all the tears for?" she asks.

"Dad," she replies and Kathy stares at me.

"No one…" I glare at Don. "No one had told me the extent of Olivia's injuries and needless to say I was a little upset when my fifteen year old daughter tells me my partner is paralysed." I kiss Lizzie's head as she moves into her mother's arms.

Kathy notes the tension between Don and I which is now filling the room.

"How about I take you and your brother home, yeah? We can come and pick your dad up tomorrow when he's discharged, okay?" she whispers to Lizzie and she nods. She extracts herself from Kathy to give me one last hug and kiss as her brother comes in.

"She still crying?" he asks.

"Leave it alone," Kathy and I reply in unison.

"Grab your jacket, Dickie, we're going home," Kathy instructs.

"Fine," he mutters. He places the soda on my tray, gives me a quick hug and moves to collect his jacket.

Kathy moves to me and hugs me too, before kissing my cheek. "Liv will be fine in time, Elliot, honestly," she whispers and hugs me again. "Ring me when you have a discharge time."

Soon they are gone and it leaves only Don and me. He hasn't said anything since he walked in. I ease myself back into the bed, thinking I will do him less harm if I can't just spring out of bed and beat the shit out of him.

"El," he begins, working overtime to keep his voice controlled. "Let me explain…"

I glare at him and then nod, not trusting any words which may spring forth once I open my mouth.

"Olivia received a severe blow to her spine which resulted in significant bruising and swelling…" He sounds like he's swallowed damned medical book. "At the moment, she is unable to feel her legs or move them but the doctors are fairly confident that once the bruising and swelling dissipate then all feeling and function should return." He pauses and looks at me.

"How long?" is all I can ask.

"If everything goes well, she could be walking within days and back at work in a month," he says. "But most likely it will be a couple of months and up to six before she can be back on active duty."

"Six months?" I swallow hard to try and keep the bile rising in my throat.

"Yeah…that's the outcome they're hoping for," Don says quietly but the look in his eyes is saying so much more.

"And if everything doesn't go well," I ask, the bitterness in my words undisguised.

"Then it could be a lot longer or…" His voice trails and I know he wants me to fill in the blank. He doesn't want to be the one who says it. I'm not going to let him off the hook that easily.

"Or?" I growl.

"Or…it could be a permanent impairment," he growls back, hating me for making him say it.

"Fuck you, Don…how in the hell could you not tell me? Jesus Christ you're gutless…I've asked you about Olivia every time I've seen you and you feed me some shit about a leg injury." I scramble to get out of bed. "I'm her goddamned partner, I should have been the first to know…and you should have fucking told me. Not left it to my fifteen year old daughter."

I make my way around the bed towards him, right now I'd love to take a swing at him and send him into next week. I even get as far as clenching my fist.

"Stop right there, Detective," he says tersely and I do. "Who the hell do you think you are talking to?" I can't think of an appropriate response that won't see his fist in my face and me on my ass. "Believe it or not, not everything is about YOU!" he yells at me. And suddenly I feel twice as bad as I did when I first found out. Not only could I have been responsible for taking Olivia out of my life, I could have taken her out of his too.

I sit down on the bed…suddenly feeling like I'm 100. My head feels like lead and my skeletal system seems too weak to hold my body up. Don moves to me and rests his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, El," he says, far calmer than I expected. "Liv wanted to be the one to tell you…tell you face to face so she could be there for you. She doesn't want you blaming herself and wanted to be sure you knew that."

I manage to force my head up. "So why didn't you get me in there days ago…get her to tell me right at the start?"

"Liv wanted some time to come to terms with it herself," he says and it kills me to hear it. I had been so absorbed in my role in it all and my pain I forgot the most important thing – it's should have been about what she wants, not about me.

A change cuts through me at the realisation that I've been so focussed on me I forgot about the person I love so much. I stand up, unsteady on my feet and move to Don. Instead of punching him I hug him fiercely. I know he thinks of her as the daughter he never had and this whole episode must be killing him. I know it's killing me…I can't believe I almost killed my partner…I can't believe I've paralysed her…paralysed her…how do I live with that? And I can't believe I'm still thinking of me and not her. God, I hate myself so much right now! To my utter surprise Don hugs me back just as fiercely.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**To keep the matching storylines it's necessary to have these parts all in the one chapter - please note the jumping timeline.**

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

**_Sunday_**

I wanted to go and see Olivia last night I really did... parts of me ached to see her...longed to see her...but I couldn't…I even made it as far as her door twice but I couldn't open it. Every time I thought about what I'd done to her I felt sick…I wanted to punch a hole in the wall or in the bastard whose house it was or myself. She's fucking paralysed and I did it…how the hell can I go in, sit on her bed and chat about the weather? How can I hold her hand and say sorry you're crippled, how do you think the Yankees are doing??? I couldn't do it...I can't do it...couldn't get my stupid hand to push open the goddammed piece of shit separating her from me...

So instead it's 11:00am, I'm sitting on my bed fully dressed waiting to go home... home there's a strange concept...Kathy will be here to pick me up soon…she insisted I stay with them a few days rather than be in my own place…I protested but then I thought of Lizzie and figured it was probably a good thing to stay. Make sure my baby girl was alright with everything…I should never have yelled at her...I know how much she loves Liv, how much seeing her hurt pains her and I go and yell at her...so much for Father of the Year.

Realising I shouldn't go without at least saying goodbye I go to Olivia's room and it takes everything in me to smile when she greets me. She seems genuinely happy to see me…god knows why?

"Hey, El, thought you were going to go without calling in," she says as she pats the bed. I sit down near her and bite down on my bottom lip to stop it trembling. She reaches out and takes my hand. "Elliot," she says softly. "Don't look so worried, it's going to be alright." She grins at me and it brightens the whole room. How can she be so sure? How can she be smiling? I shake my head and try to remember this should be about her, not me.

Drawing a really deep breath, I stare down at our hands, fingers still entwined. "I'm so sorry, Olivia," I say, not able to look her in the eye. Not wanting to see the hurt, the pain, the disappointment that I know should be there. Suddenly, I feel her other hand on my chin and she's lifting my face so I have to look at her.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It's just one of those things," she soothes, her eyes clear and bright, showing nothing of what I expected. She's the one I nearly killed and paralysed instead, she's the one who has more reason to be pissed than me and yet she seems amazingly calm.

"But if I hadn't of…" I begin, I need her to know, but she interrupts.

"El, coulda, shoulda, woulda. We're not in the line of work where we can second guess every decision. We make a decision and live with the consequences…" she says. Sounds good in theory but she's forgetting one thing - it was my decision, she was against it…If I had have listened to her instead of being a conceited son-of-a-bitch we would have walked away that morning. Now, four days later I'm walking away and she may never walk again. How is that fucking fair?

**_Thursday week_**

It's my first day back and it's desk duty for the next couple of weeks. I hate desk duty! If I wanted to do paper work I'd have become a secretary. I make my way through the bullpen and draw a deep breath when I see Olivia's empty desk…empty for how long, who knows?

I slow my walk as I pass by it, lightly skimming my fingers over the worn wooden surface. It's Olivia's and I'm so desperate to touch her, make everything alright, but this will have to suffice. I move around to my desk but before I can sit down and check the countless messages resting on it Don calls me in. I glance at Olivia's desk again. There are no notes, no messages, no mail on her desk; no one's expecting her back anytime soon. That little bit of knowledge hurts more than you can ever imagine.

Sitting in the visitor chair in Don's office I am aware he is talking to me but I have no idea what he's saying. My eyes have wandered around the photo gallery on his wall and have settled on the photo of Olivia and me taken at his birthday dinner two years ago. Don's in the photo too but I barely register that. I stare hard at her image…I can still smell the perfume she was wearing that night, Red Door, and I can feel the silk of her blouse sleeve as it grazed my arm and I can feel how soft her body was as it pressed against me as we danced…I can't recall the song now but in my defense I didn't register what is was at the time either. The only thing running through my head at the time was the overwhelming feeling of being that close to her and the internal commentary which kept saying 'Stabler, don't stuff it up. Stabler, don't stuff it up.'

Don stops talking and I realise he's waiting for a response and I have no idea of the question. I try and think of a way to get him to rephrase it without letting on I haven't been paying attention. In the end I can't be bothered with the pretence and I admit I haven't a clue what he was saying.

"Are you really ready to be back, El?" he asks, concern in his eyes. I nod slowly, I can't spend another minute at home…the last few days have been excruciatingly hard…I wanted to be at work…wanted to have things back to normal but knowing, quite possibly things would never be normal again.

"Yeah," I sigh. "I'm sure."

**_Two and a half months (October)_**

Time trudges on and I can't believe it's already October and three months since the explosion – three months since Liv last walked in here, three months since she sat at her desk…three long, long, long months. I know I've been a bastard and not seen her enough…when she was in the hospital it was easier. I'd go in about four times a week, usually after midnight and I'd make sure she was asleep before I went into her room.

A couple of times she woke up and I lied about how long I'd been there. I don't think I could ever fully explain it but I was completely torn…I had to see her, be with her, hold her hand…all to provide comfort to me but I couldn't bear to see her awake…I didn't want to see the pain in her eyes at each moment she tried to make…I didn't want to hear the weariness in her voice as she tried to convince the both of us she was doing well. At least every couple of weeks I made sure to go in while she was awake…the conversations were growing increasingly stilted and killing me a little more each time. I always thought about my death being a sudden and traumatic thing...a bullet or a knife...never thought it was possible to die this sort of intensely painful death an ounce at a time.

When she started walking again I went to see her, to see for myself. It broke my heart…I remembered the twins when they started walking seemed more agile and less shaky on their little legs. She kept telling me the specialist was expecting a full recovery but I really don't know if she was just saying it for my benefit or because it was the truth.

Tuesday I went into the hospital when I knew she was having a physical therapy session. I watched her through the small window panels of double doors. While she was able to move around the exercises took their toll on her and all I could see was the tears streaming down her cheeks. She never gave up, she never gave into it…and it only served to break my heart…a heart which I already thought was completely shattered by the whole thing.

After such a painful exhibition, I was more than stunned when I walked into the bullpen to see her in Munch's arms. She'd only been discharged eleven days…I'd only seen her in physical therapy two days ago – how the hell did she think she could come back to work on Thursday???

"Hey El," she says to me as Munch lets her go.

"Liv! I didn't think we'd be seeing you here for a while." The words are out of my mouth before I can think about phrasing them properly.

"You won't be, came to talk to Don and returning and he said no," she explains quietly.

"Good!" The word is out and I don't realise how bad it sounded until I see her face change.

"Good?" she echoes. "You don't want me back?" Suddenly I feel like a prized ass and quickly try to extract my foot from my mouth.

"Of course I do, I just think you need more recovery time," I blurt out and although I know she does, I could have thought of a better way to say it.

Her eyes fill with tears and she drops her head but it's too late. I've already seen them.

"Liv? Olivia?" I move towards her and stretch out my hand to touch her. "Hey?" I want to take away the pain I've inflicted - all of it, but she shrinks back from my impending touch.

"Sorry," she mumbles, "I've got to go." She grabs her purse and takes a few unsteady steps across the bullpen. If looks could kill the one Munch is giving me would have any doctor calling time of death on me. He's nodding his head in Liv's direction and although I just want to sink through the floor I take his prompt.

"I'll take you home, Liv," I say, gently taking her elbow to support her.

"You don't have to, I'll be fine," she says and if I had to identify the tone I'd have to say defeated.

"I'll take you home," I repeat, I can't let her leave like this. When she nods an overwhelming feeling of relief washes over me…she mustn't hate me entirely. I slip my arm around Olivia's shoulders, not sure whether I'm supporting her or she's supporting me. She leans into me and rests her head on my shoulder …it's been ninety seven days since we last walked out together – ninety seven days!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

January

Can't believe Christmas and New Year are over and Liv's desk is still empty. I guess I imagined if I prayed hard enough she would miraculously recover and we'd be partners again. That I'd be looking across our conjoined desks and seeing her deep in thought, her chocolate orbs sparkling the moment she makes the connection in a case of ours. I'd be seeing her playing with her hair while she's on the phone, her fingers tangling in her silky hair. But the desk is still empty – no one has dared sit at it. Three months is a long time to be empty…just ask me…ask my heart.

I look back down at the file on my desk, Fin and I closed it yesterday, somehow I imagine had it been Liv we would have figured it out weeks ago...well, she would have. She had a knack for these types of cases….Had? She had? God …I meant she has…she has a knack for these cases. Perhaps it's everything she lived through as a child … as a teenager…as an adult. She is definitely the most beautiful person I know…inside and out, I am, as always, amazed by her resilience to face all that comes before her and to overcome it.

The text on the page blurs as tears fill my eyes…I used to curse all those who inflicted pain and suffering on her…now, I'm one of them…she may no longer be paralysed but I am…not physically but inside…I seemed to stop functioning the day she stopped walking. Never quite realised before all this just how much I relied on her to get through the day and to be me….she made me me…shit! She makes me me…I've got to stop talking in the past tense. She'll be back…I know she will …she has to…

"Hey Olivia, is it welcome back this time?" I hear Lake ask and I'm on my feet, as too are Fin and Munch. I can't believe she's here…and she looks so good…I mean…not just good she always does but…well…she's walking well.

"Hi Chester, that's what I'm here to see," she replies and moves into Fin's opened arms. It's a natural thing for the two of them, I envy that…so very much.

"Hey Liv," Fin says as he kisses her head. Yep, god I envy that! "You think the old man will say yes?" I hold my breath – hope so.

"Hope so," she echoes my thought. "Hi John," she says moving to Munch and hugging him briefly. We've never really discussed_ that_ day but I know something happened between them …I know he was the one with her when….well, at the time she realised….when she was inj…after the explosion.

She seems happy and relaxed and I'm envious of the closeness she seems to have with everyone – everyone else but me.

"What about me?" I ask and I'm sure she catches her breath. I'm desperate to touch her, hold her but it's been so very long since I've done so.

"Hey El," she says moving to me and my arms wrap around her. I'm hanging onto her for dear life and I realise I'm squeezing her too tightly, she doesn't protest so I hold her a little longer…I'm hoping it means she's missed me as much as I've missed her… but I don't think that's at all possible.

I don't register Don coming out of his office until I hear his voice. "Why are you all standing around?"

"Think that's my fault, Don, sorry!" Olivia apologises, stepping around me and breaking our embrace…what I wouldn't give for a minute more…a second more…a lifetime more.

"Olivia, great to see you," Don says. "You're looking well."

"I'm feeling well; I was hoping we could have a chat." She's smiling and for the first time it registers in my head she's ready to come back.

Don looks at me and the others and I can only stare intensely at him…praying he's gotten over his pig-headedness which has prevented her coming back earlier.

"Sure, Liv, just give me a minute here," he says and she makes her way into his office as he sends Fin and Lake out on a job.

That only leaves Munch and me and while I know I'm supposed to be working I just want to be in there, listening to the conversation for myself. I want her back desperately but I know before she returns we have to talk…I have to hear her tell me again we're alright. Somehow I think she could tell me all day, everyday, but I don't think I'd every truly believe it…I think by having her forgive me I'm pretending to forgive myself…and that's all it is…pretence.

After an insufferably long time the office door reopens and Olivia and Don come through it. Munch and I are back on our feet. "Well?" we both say. Don grits his teeth and stares hard at us…I'm nearly convinced he's going to say no…but he doesn't.

"I've told Olivia she can come back, starting next Monday. Three days, only a couple of hours a day. It'll be Monday, Tuesday and Friday to start with and then I'll re-evaluate it."

"Great!" I utter, relief washing over me.

"Welcome back, Liv," Munch says. "Finally!" he snarls looking at Don, who disappears back into his office.

"Thanks, I can't wait," she says, a long forgotten smile finally back on her face. "I know it must sound weird to you guys but I've missed this place…peeling paint, crumby heating and all."

"And it's missed you too, Liv," Munch grins. "It just hasn't been the same without you."

"Thanks John," she replies, kissing his cheek. "Now, I'm going to go but I'll see you Monday."

"Can I drive you home Liv?" I ask, adding "please," when I think she's going to decline. I've got to have this talk with her before she returns … I think it'll kill me one way or the other.

To my delight and terror Olivia nods so I grab my jacket. "I'll just speak to Don," I say before going into his office.

"Don, am I right to call it quits for today?" I ask. "I want to take Liv home and thought it would be a good chance to talk to her." I add hoping to sway his answer.

"Yep, go," he says and smiles…can't figure out what that's for but I don't care…I only care about Olivia. I leave the office.

"You right to go, Olivia?" I ask, taking her arm.

"Yeah! See you Monday, John," she says and I lead her out of the building and down to the car.

The ride back to Olivia's is subdued, she asks me questions about the kids and I give her the answers. Not sure why she's asking me, she's spent more time with them than I have over recent months, I'm sure she could answer them for me. I get the feeling it's just to stop an awkward silence filling the car and I'm more than grateful for the distraction.

When we're at her apartment she goes into the kitchen to grab some coffee I sit in the armchair…I've never sat in her armchair before, always preferring the sofa and the small chance of touching her, however innocent it may be. She comes in and hands me my coffee…she looks sad, I think…no, disappointed. I haven't said anything yet and she's already disappointed – shit, this is going to be harder than I thought.

She sips her coffee, I sip mine. She sips again, I sip mine. The silence is deafening and everything I've wanted to say has disappeared. I clasp the mug in my hands, the heat searing my palms, but it doesn't register in my brain. Instead I fixate on the coffee table…hoping it will help me find the strength I need.

"What's up, El?" she finally asks, breaking the silence. I glance up at her briefly before looking back at the table. Slowly I shake my head. "El? We're not good, are we?" she asks quietly and I can only shake my head again. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

My head snaps up at her apology in time to see tears filling her eyes. "Why would you be sorry?"

"Because…" she pauses, she seems to be searching for words but the tears now trickling down her cheeks speak volumes. "I don't know…I just feel this is all my fault."

In an instant, my mug's on the table and I'm next to her, her hands in mine.

"None of this is your fault," I say quickly. "None! If this is anybody's fault it's mine." I drop my head. "Mine."

"How's it your fault?" she asks, not letting go of my hands when I try to retract them.

"The day of the explosion…I should have listened to you…we should have waited…" I say, the words stumbling out. "If I had we'd have walked away without a scratch as opposed to…" I can't finish the sentence…can't say it.

"As opposed to not walking away at all," she finishes it for me. I nod. "I've never blamed you for this, El, never."

"You didn't have to, I blame myself…some days I can barely look at myself and other days I can barely look…" my voice breaks and I can't finish.

"At me!" she offers.

"Yeah, and I'm sorry for that too."

Olivia moves closer to me and I feel her head on my shoulder. "I don't blame you, Elliot, for anything…never think otherwise." I slip my arm around her shoulders and rest my head on hers. There are a thousand things I want to say but I can't so I opt for a well worn question.

"So, we good, Liv?" I ask, my voice as desperate as I feel. I need to hear it from her; I need her to be okay, with the incident, with her injuries, with me.

"Yeah El, we're good."

And suddenly the huge weight which has been crushing my chest seems to lift…it's still there but now I feel I can actually breathe without it sapping every ounce of energy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

February

Olivia's return to work isn't smooth sailing and while she is over eager on her first few days back it takes its toll. She starts walking a little more slowly and she looks tired. I know it takes a person a while to get back into the swing of things but I really can't handle it when it's Olivia, it makes her seem vulnerable ... I don't want her to be vulnerable ... I don't want her to suffer anymore than she has to. I've wanted to change places with her from the start, I'd rather it be me with the pain and discomfort and the weekly therapy sessions and medical appointments. Me. Me who was struggling to put in a few hours a day. Me who was stuck behind a mountain of paper work rather than on the street. Me. Why couldn't it have been me that bore the brunt of the explosion? Why did it have to be her? It should have been me!

It's not long before her time is reduced to two days a week by Don. When she accepts it without arguing I feel a rock settle in the pit of my stomach…the same rock which took up residence the moment Lizzie told me of the paraplegia. The Olivia of old would never willingly walk away from the job...take time off ... do what was best for her own health and wellbeing. To do it in this situation shows she's not as good as she wants everyone to believe…not as good as I want to believe. And I want to believe she is good, desperately. Can't think of a future which doesn't involve me and her...in a work sense...Truth? Can't think of a future which doesn't involve me and her - period! I'm such a bastard, she's suffering and I can only think of how it affects me ... it's just without her I have nothing ... I am nothing.

The dynamics of the office are like Jekyll and Hyde. When she's in it's more like old times; banter, friendly chatter, increased productivity. When she's not there it's starkly different. It's like there's a huge dark cloud suppressing the energy of the place, the friendliness replaced by frostiness, productivity replaced by the feeling of being swamped.

I think the problem is Munch, my relationship with him hasn't been the same since this all happened. When Olivia's around he's his usual self, but when she's not there, there is no buffer between us and the air can only be described as cold. Truth be told it's not Munch it's me…I can't look him in the eye. I know he's providing Olivia with the support she needs, the support I should be giving her – but I can't – the guilt won't let me.

This just continues to fester and it's Don who puts an end to it one Friday afternoon. "Munch, Stabler, my office," he shouts and we head in. We're standing before him as he starts to talk. "I have no idea what's going on out there and between you two but I know it has something to do with Olivia and I KNOW it won't be a problem by Monday. Clear out for the day and sort it out, got it?"

"Yes sir," we respond in unison. Easier said than done.

I slide into the booth at the bar opposite Munch and sip my beer, wiping away the foam that stays on my top lip. I know this moment has been coming for a while and I steel myself for it.

"Go ahead and say it," I say, looking down at my beer. Munch takes a mouthful of beer and stays silent.

"Go on," I prompt. "You've been itching to say something for a while now." He glances at me and then leans back into the leather without speaking. God dammit, why won't he speak? Most times you can't get him to shut up.

Stuff him, if he won't speak I will. "Tell me you think I'm to blame for Olivia's injury. Tell me if it wasn't for my pig-headed arrogance she would have walked away that day instead of being paralysed," I say becoming louder and edgier. Munch's continued silence is beginning to really piss me off. "Speak, you bastard!"

"I don't have to speak, Elliot, you seem to be having a nice conversation with yourself there," he says dryly. _Bastard!_

"It's what you were thinking!" I snarl.

"No, it's what you were thinking," he replies. "Not my problem with you at all." For a second I'm confused, why else would he be so pissed at me?

I stare at him. "Then what's your problem with me?" I ask.

"You really want to know?" Munch asks and I nod, I'd love an explanation.

"My problem, Elliot, is your apparent complete disregard for your partner's wellbeing," he says quietly.

I nearly choke on my beer. "Isn't that just what I said?"

"Not quite – you think the issue is the explosion…" he begins.

"And isn't it? I mean if I hadn't…" I interject, doesn't take Einstein to figure that one out.

"El, we all make decisions out on the job some work out, some don't. You obviously have a lot of guilt to work through but my issue with you is related to after the explosion," Munch explains in his own calm way which only infuriates me more.

"I was unconscious after it," I defend myself.

"What, for the five months?" he asks.

"What? What do you mean five months?" I bite back.

Munch slowly shakes his head then continues. "Since the incident you've had next to nothing to do with your partner…hell, I don't think you visited her more than a handful of times during her months in the hospital…"

"I did!" I yell, louder than I intended.

"Well, Olivia doesn't seem to remember," Munch says tersely.

"Yeah, well I was there..." I begin but Munch keeps going.

"Don's almost lived there after the explosion, Fin and I spent hours there, hell, even Lake was a frequent visitor, none of us seem to remember you there, so it's not just Olivia…" he says, matter-of-factly and I know he is so wrong.

"She wasn't awake," I say quietly and grip onto my glass.

"What?" Munch retorts.

I can't keep it in any longer, I have to tell someone, it's been eating away at me for far too long. "John, I spent hours in the hospital with her, at night. The nights I was still in there I'd go sit with her, then when I was discharged I did the same…only at night, only when she was asleep."

"Why?" he asks, peering over him glasses, I'm sure he can see right into my soul.

"Because," I begin, locking eyes with him, "guilt's a bitch…it's one thing to blow up your partner, it's another to blow up the person you love." There, I've said it…out loud…told someone, I'm in love with Olivia. Oh god, I said it aloud ... actually it feels good to have said it ... feels right.

"Love? You love Olivia? Or you're _in_ love with her?" Munch asks with a curiosity in his voice I've never heard before.

"I am_ in_ love with her and I damn near got her killed, but was that enough? No, not for me. I paralysed her…and she says we're good and she says she doesn't blame me but I blame me and I can't get past it." I look up from the table top to Munch and I know he can see the tears in my eyes but I need him to understand this pain I've been drowning in. "You tell me how the hell I'm supposed to go back to everything being 'normal'? And you know what's worse about all this? Every time I look at her I love her more and more and it just makes me hate myself all over again."

Munch puts down his glass and sighs deeply. "Then you have to get off your ass and do something about it."

His answer surprises me, no argument, no jokes, no mention of the squad room pool on when Olivia and I would get together, just the one prompt to do something about it. As I said before, easier said than done. If I could think of anything remotely intelligent to do about it I'd have done it already. What in the hell am I supposed to do?


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

**Monday morning**

Munch's words have been running through my head ad nauseum – 'get off your ass and do something'…sure Munch what would you have me do…? Climb to the top of the Empire State Building and shout to the city that I love Olivia Stabler … shit … Benson … one step at a time. Or do I stand outside her window and serenade her? I can't sing for shit so probably not a wise move. Do I tattoo her name across my chest? Might as well be on my skin, it's already engraved on my heart. Do I …do I…god what do I do?

Monday morning's here and I'm not sure how I'm going to face Olivia and Munch and Olivia in front of Munch … I'm thankful for the specialist appointment she has this morning…she's going to be in late and if I have any luck at all I'll get a job and can put this uneasiness off for another twenty four hours.

I move from my desk to get some coffee and Olivia's phone rings, I pick it up.

"SVU Detective Benson's phone, Detective Stabler speaking." I quickly glance around the room for Olivia as she's due in about now.

"May I please speak to Laura, I mean Olivia, please?" a woman asks.

"I'm sorry she's unavailable at the moment, can I help you?" I reply.

"Look I really needed to speak to Laura, do you know when she'll be in?" she asks and it's the second time she's said Laura.

"Laura? You mean Olivia?" I ask.

"Oh yes, Olivia, I keep forgetting that's her name there, when will she be in?" she asks.

"I'm sorry..." Now I'm more than confused. "What do you mean that's the name she uses here? That's her name."

"Oh yes, of course, I didn't mean to infer it wasn't. We just know her by another name," the woman explained. Who is this woman?

"And what name would that be?" I ask, the hair on my neck standing up.

"Laura Lee," she says brightly. Who the fuck is Laura Lee?

"And where do you know Oliv…Laura from?" I ask ready to take notes.

"Oh, she works here Thursday nights," she answers. Work? She works there. You've got to be kidding me!

"Um, I think you must be mistaken," I say, trying to remain professional.

"Stabler…Stabler," the woman says slowly. "Not _Elliot Stabler_ by any chance?"

"Yes, it is," I confirm. Who the hell is this woman?

"Oh, um…I'm not supposed to talk to _you,_ please don't tell Laura I rang." She hangs up quickly and I'm totally confused not to mention totally concerned.

It takes me all of five minutes to get the number, name, location and have dialled the number but as Olivia walks in I hang up.

"Hey, Liv," I say as she sits at her desk. "How'd it go this morning?"

Olivia rolls her eyes, I know she dislikes her specialist with a passion; he is the one keeping her from returning fulltime.

"That good, hey?" I say, trying to put a supportive smile on my face.

"Yeah," she mumbles. I don't know how to read her face…but I'm going to work it out. That expression and that call…I'm going to get to the bottom of Laura Lee if it kills me.

"Look, how about I take you out to dinner one night this week?" I offer. "I've dinner with Kathleen on Wednesday so how about Thursday?" Thursday…when that woman says you are working as Laura.

"Thursday? Sorry, that doesn't work for me. I've got plans? Olivia says.

"Anything special?" I ask, trying to sound casual.

"No, not really," she replies.

"What about after it? Will you be late?" I ask, trying to establish a timeframe – always the detective.

"Too late for dinner," she answers. What the hell is she up to?

"I'm free Friday," she says. "You?" I nod. "Friday it is." She smiles and opens her computer. Friday we are having dinner…what's going on on Thursday though? I need to figure out Thursday before I even contemplate the fact I have just arranged a dinner date with Olivia … not even going to think about that one right now.

When Olivia finally leaves for the day, mid afternoon, I pull out the paper which has been burning a hole in my pocket. Seeing I'm in the bullpen alone I dial the number.

"Binga's bar," comes the answer.

"Yeah, hi, can I speak to Laura Lee, please?" I ask.

"Sorry buddy, she only works Thursday nights, between eight and ten. You want me to give her a message?" the man says

"Nah, it's fine I'll catch her myself," I reply before hanging up. A thousand questions scream out at me.

_Why is Olivia working in a bar? _

_Why is she using an alias? _

_Why does someone know she was using an alias? _

_Why don't I know she's working somewhere with an alias? _

_Why? _

_Why? _

_WHY? _

I have to stop myself for charging off after Olivia and getting the answers from her. I try and reason with myself that if she wanted me to know she would have told me. That she'll tell me when she's ready. That I have no right to know everything about her. So, I come up with the only solution – I'll wait til Thursday and go to this place and see for myself. Seems the way to go but it's going to be a bloody painful wait. It's only Monday afternoon.

**Thursday night**

I'm not sure how I get through to Thursday night…it's all a blur…all I can think of is Olivia and Laura Lee … Laura Lee and Olivia … Laura … Olivia … Olivia … my Olivia … my Liv … no wonder it's all a blur … it's just been me and my Liv … not really a bad way to spend a few days…

I drive out to Binga's; it takes me about an hour. The closer I get the more nervous I feel. My heart is beginning to ricochet around my chest and lodge itself in my throat, which I know is physiologically impossible but that's how it feels. I pull into the car park and see Olivia's car…she's here…she's at Binga's. She's at Binga's as Laura Lee…what the hell's she up to?

Pushing open the heavy wooden door, I find myself in a small foyer. Its heat is in stark contrast to the chilly night air outside. I take my scarf off and slip out of my jacket and take a few deep breaths. This is either going to go exceptionally well or I am going to fuck up so monumentally I may never recover. Here goes nothing!

As I'm standing there I hear the most amazing voice and for a moment everything else is forgotten. An invisible force compels me into the main bar and I stand in the shadows at the back. I look up at the stage and if it's possible to die of shock I think it may happen – that voice belongs to Olivia. My Olivia. She's the one singing. As hard as it is I drag my eyes off her and to the audience, they are enthralled by her. I spy the posters on the wall with her picture and the name Laura Lee, this is her work and god dammit, she's brilliant.

Not wanting to be seen I stay in the shadows and pull up a barstool in the farthest corner, ordering a beer when the barman comes over. My eyes never leave the stage, never leave Olivia and I barely register the woman sitting down beside me.

"She's fantastic, isn't she?" the woman says

"Yeah," I reply, not evening bothering to look at her.

"You think she's good now, you just wait for the next song." The woman gets up and leaves but I barely register that either.

Olivia finishes her song, and takes a quick drink of water before sitting on a wooden barstool. "I guess you all know what time it's time for, she says quietly, seeming more at home in this role than I would have ever expected.

"Song for Elliot," came a chorus of voices and I nearly fall off my stool…a song for me…me…she's about to sing for me…Sweet Jesus…me.

"Yeah it is," Olivia whispers, an amazing smile on her face.

I have tears in my eyes before she even starts and when she does I swear it would put God's own angels to shame.

Imagine you, imagine me  
We could be happy, we could be free  
If we could only try  
No more hunger, no more greed  
Do you ever wonder, can you believe?  
This world's for us to share  
'Cause I hope and I pray  
Open our hearts and show us the way

I know love is the answer  
And fear serves only to bind  
Keep us all together  
We all belong in heaven above

No more deception, no more war  
And peace we would treasure for evermore  
No need to be alone  
'Cause I hope and I pray  
Open our hearts and show us the way

I know love is the answer  
And fear serves only to bind  
Keep us all together  
We all belong in heaven above

Every single sound, note, syllable hits me hard, Olivia is singing for me…After everything I've put her through she is doing this for me because she…oh god, that line, the one beginning the chorus…"I know love is the answer". That's the answer to the question burning in my heart…I know I love her desperately, hopelessly, endlessly…my question was how did she feel about me…and it's there right there in the song…she loves me. Holy shit…she loves me. How can she love me? After everything I've done to her how the hell can she love me?

Movement from ahead of me shakes me out of my haze, it's Olivia leaving the stage. I can't do this now…can't let her see me like this. We're having dinner tomorrow night – I've now got twenty four hours to get my act together and not fuck that up royally. If only I knew how I was going to do that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Song: Love is the Answer by Tina Arena


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

**Friday Night**

Taking Olivia out to dinner tonight was my idea, actually it was what I had offered to get information about her life as 'Laura Lee' but I got that information last night and now this dinner is so much more. So, much, much more. I've decided it's going to be a simple dinner at her favourite restaurant. And that we'll talk – or I'll talk or I'll try to anyway.

All up I think I managed about an hour of sleep last night, in about ten minute increments. After her performance at Binga's I couldn't get her out of my head and couldn't get my mind out of the gutter. I've spent the day tense and taut…my mind's running a million miles a minute and my body just wants release…the sort of release only Olivia can give me … god, help me!

At some stage late in the afternoon, Don calls me in and sends me home for the day…doesn't say much but I think he either knows what's happening or thinks I'm sick. Either way I'm home early and have a chance to shower and unwind - as if… I stand under the streaming water for an incredibly long time before turning it off and drying myself. I dress and undress and dress again. Can't believe I can't decide what to wear, I don't want to overdress or underdress or, fricken hell, this is dinner with Olivia!

It takes forty five minutes before I'm dressed…that's right, forty five minutes and I finally decide on black pants, a pale green shirt, an emerald tie and my sports jacket. The stuff I first got out. I drive to her apartment and my heart is racing…I figured out what I was going to say in the shower. I'm going to take her hand tell her just how sorry I am and tell her I love her. Simple plan…I can handle simple. I can…it's simple…I can handle it. I keep repeating this as I head up to her door. I can handle this. I can do this. It's simple.

There it is …Olivia's door…all I have to do is knock on it. I raise my hand but quickly retract it and run both hands down my thighs, trying to dry them. I can't remember my palms sweating like this before! I raise my hand again and it's shaking. I swallow hard and knock on the door, reminding myself I just have to breathe.

The door opens and there's my Olivia looking as gorgeous as I have ever seen here. I clench my jaw to stop it hitting the floor.

"You look beautiful," I whisper, trying to sound casual.

"You don't look too bad yourself," she replies as she adjusts my tie. I smile when I realise the emerald compliments her dress perfectly.

"You ready to go?" I ask, willing my heart to steady before I have a cardiac arrest.

"Sure am," she smiles, grabbing her purse and jacket.

It doesn't take long before we're seated at a little table in a quiet corner of the restaurant. Olivia is chatting away and I have to concentrate hard to understand what's she's saying. It should be so much easier but there's a raging battle at play between my head telling me to talk to her and my heart deciding against it.

Somehow we make it through dinner, don't ask me how. Don't even ask me what I ate, got no idea. The waiter clears the table and suddenly Olivia's standing up. Dinner can't be over already! It hasn't been that bad, has it?

"Come dance with me," she says quietly.

"Are you sure you're up to it?" I ask, surprised.

"El, it's a dance, not the New York Marathon," she says and I can't help but smile. I take her hand and follow her to the small, highly polished wooden floor. We stand there for several seconds and I feel brain dead, suddenly I can't function at all.

Gently Olivia places her hands on my shoulders but I'm still unsure where to place mine. I want to touch her, god, how I want to touch her, feel every inch of her body, but I don't want to hurt her. I've done too much of that to her, to that beautiful body…I don't want to do anymore.

"I won't break," she whispers as she takes my hands and places them on her body, both now resting on her back…

I nod slowly as she moves closer to me, but then she stops and stares at me, I try to smile reassuringly but she's not fooled in the least.

"El, I thought we were good?" she asks.

"We are, Liv," I reply automatically.

"Somehow, I don't think so." She pulls away from him and I can't let that happen. My brain goes into meltdown. I lock my arms around her keeping her against me, I can't let her go, I can't lose her not now, not again, not ever. I can't. "Please don't walk away from me," I whisper, dropping my head. "Please stay."

She wraps her arms around me and holds me tightly, I know it won't take her long to realise I'm bawling like a baby. I don't want her to see me like this and as she tries to pull back I can't let her go…I pull her closer and bury my face further into her hair. Right now, I need her more than air itself…I need her more than I want her…and that's saying a hell of a lot because I've never wanted anything in my whole life more than I want her .

Olivia's hands are running around my back trying to soothe me but it's not really helping. After everything that's transpired it shouldn't be me so upset, it shouldn't be me needing comforting but it is. All I can do is to try and make her understand just how sorry I am, I keep mumbling into her hair, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Before long Olivia's hands move from my back to my face and she pushes it back. As soon as she sees my pain her own eyes well up…that kills me a little more. I'm going to make her cry… that's just great!

"What are you so sorry for?" she asks, brushing my tears away.

"For everything," I mutter, trying to look away but she won't let me. Instead she brings my face down so my forehead's resting on hers.

"Narrow it down," she commands quietly.

"The expl…" I begin but she springs back.

"NO!" she says loudly and it draws stares from those around us. "We talked about this, you have nothing to be sorry for," she says in a more hushed tone, her eyes searching mine.

"I know but…" I begin again…I have to say it …have to make her understand the past before we move to talk about the future.

"No buts…if I don't blame you what on earth do you have to be sorry for? You did nothing wrong," she says sternly and I know she means it.

"I nearly got you killed, Liv," I say…the words still bitter on my tongue.

"And?" she prompts, as if there should be more.

"Isn't that enough?" I ask.

"No, it's not. I've put you in similar positions before, you've never blamed me," she says. "Have you?"

"No, I haven't," I admit.

"Then?" she asks but I can only shake my head. "So I'll ask you again, Stabler, are we good?" She looks up at me and I know she doesn't hate me, this whole matter is not lodged between us anymore…

"We're good," I say, pulling her to me and allowing my hands to settle on her back.

Olivia smiles at me and for the first time since we were nearly blown to smithereens I know we're good. Maybe better than good…but I can't force anything more tonight – I am absolutely exhausted…and I know she is too.

As much as I want to declare my love to her it's not going to happen tonight…I'm just happy the past is resolved. We sway in time with the music and a small plan begins to form in my addled brain.

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**_One chapter to go._**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Mr Wolf and I'm just playing. **

**-------------------Songbird--------------------**

It's been a whole week since our dinner on Friday and I've been working on my plan ever since it began to form as we were dancing. I know I need help with this...I could never do this alone, left to me I'd say the wrong thing or nothing at all. I'm only going to have one shot at telling Olivia just what I feel and how badly I feel it.

Monday and Tuesday I barely saw her in the office due to a case Lake and I were working, but I rang her every night … twice … the first time just to catch up on her day … the second just so I could hear her voice before I went to bed. Is that pathetic? I don't think so or at least I hope not … I never longed to hear Kathy's voice as bad as I long for Olivia's. Never longed for Kathy the way I long for Olivia.

In truth, don't think I felt for Kathy what I feel for Olivia … with Kathy it was different … and it was good, especially in the early years. But it was a different sort of love … this is just something totally different … and I know if I fuck this up I'm never going to get my chance again and while that should scare me it's forcing me to do something I wouldn't normally do … go public with my feelings … after all, Olivia went public … true she didn't expect me to hear it … true nobody there knows me … but it was public nonetheless.

I dress in jeans and a blue shirt … simple … casual …no suits and ties … just me. I drive out to Binga's and I am surprised I am no where near as nervous as I thought I'd be. I get to bar and Olivia is already singing. Again I sit at the far end of the bar so she can't see me … don't want to stop her singing.

I order a beer but as I put it to my lips my stomach clenches and I can't drink any of it. Here come the nerves … my heart feels like it's tightening … I hope this is only nerves and I'm not having a heart attack …that would definitely spoil what I have in store for tonight.

My eyes are on Olivia and I watch as she takes a sip of water, she settles to sing the next song, which the audience informs me is for me and the tears actually come before she starts to sing … this is either love or I'm just plain hopeless.

Olivia's voice is crystal clear as she begins and although she doesn't know I'm here I know it's her passion for me or maybe my passion for her which makes it sound so much _better_.

_Moon so bright, night so fine_

_Keep your heart here with mine_

_Life's a dream we are dreaming_

_Race the moon, catch the wind_

_Ride the night to the end_

_Seize the day, stand up for the light_

Seize the day, she has that right. That's what I'm going to do today – seize the opportunity … take the chance.

_I want to spend my lifetime loving you_

_If that is all in life I ever do_

_Heroes rise, heroes fall_

_Rise again, win it all_

That's been my own mantra … I want to spend my lifetime loving her … it is all I want to do … maybe all I've ever wanted to do …

_In your heart, can't you feel the glory_

_Through our joy, through our pain_

_We can move worlds again_

_Take my hand, dance with me_

Dance? Dance! Through our joy and pain… dance with me. That's what she said at dinner. I no longer think I'm going to have a heart attack … maybe it'll just explode from joy … is that at all possible? If it is, at least I'll die happy.

_I want to spend my lifetime loving you_

_If that is all in life I ever do_

_I will want nothing else to see me through_

_If I can spend my lifetime loving you_

_Though we know we will never come again_

_Where there is love, life begins_

_Over and over again_

Life is going to begin for me tonight if Olivia actually feels the same way about me as I feel for her. If she loves me … and god I hope she does … then this is where my life begins.

_Save the night, save the day_

_Save the love, come what may_

_Love is worth everything we pay_

_I want to spend my lifetime loving you_

_If that is all in life I ever do_

_I want to spend my lifetime loving you_

_If that is all in life I ever do_

_I will want nothing else to see me through_

_If I can spend my lifetime loving you_

I can't help it, the tears escape before I can stop them … I do so desperately want a lifetime loving her …spend every day and night holding her, being with her, and making love with her. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life, more than I have ever needed anything else. More than oxygen.

"She's amazing, isn't she?" said a red head sitting beside me.

"She is!" I agree. I let my eyes leave Olivia for a second to take in the woman beside me. "You're the one who called, aren't you?"

She nods and smiles. "Didn't think anyone who was the object of such love and adoration should miss out on hearing about it."

"Thanks," I say quietly.

"So, Elliot,' she says, looking back towards the stage. "You going to do something about it?"

"Can you help me?" I ask, somewhat nervously – it's one thing to have plan but another to act on it.

"Sure, what do you need?" she asks.

I pull out a CD. "Song five. Maybe when Liv's taking a break you could play it and announce it as a 'Song for Olivia'?" I ask hopefully, praying this will work.

"Consider it done!'

Olivia finishes her set and takes a seat at the end of the bar, nearest the stage, she looks gorgeous in … I haven't even registered what she's wearing. I study her from my vantage point and fall further in love with her … if that's possible. A man takes the stage and Olivia turns around, and watches him curiously, obviously no one interrupts her sets.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he says, smiling at Olivia when he sees he has her attention. "Our beautiful songstress, Laura Lee, dedicates a song a night to Elliot…" He stops to observe the warm ripple of applause which fills the room and again my heart swells with pride. "Tonight, we have another dedication and while we don't normally do this I'm making an exception. This is a song for Olivia."

Olivia straightens in her stool, I know she's concerned…no one here, should know her as Olivia but as the music starts I can tell she recognises the song and knows instantly it's for her and I'm hoping she realises it's from me.

The voice of Tina Arena comes from the stereo…

_You sit in silence in the shadows_

_You don't complain or criticise_

_And while the world may see me as a fool_

_They're not looking through your eyes_

_No questions asked_

_You're there_

_When I need you_

_With a love that inspires_

_Me to be everything you deserve_

I stand and make my way slowly around the bar, watching her intently. She's mesmerised by the song.

_Cause you're my_

_Unsung hero_

_And I know it's not easy_

_To walk in your shoes_

_Day after day_

_You continue to amaze me_

_Now I sing this song of love_

_For you_

Several feet away from her and I stop, I'm aware I'm the focus of attention from the crowd but I know Olivia's still oblivious and I breath deep and then deeper.

_While others long to steal the spotlight_

_You work your magic quietly_

_Cause you're not in it for the glory_

_The love you give comes naturally_

_I may not have much_

_What I have_

_I give it to you_

_This song that I sing_

_Is my gift_

_And I swear that I mean every word_

_Cause you're my_

_Unsung hero_

_And I know it's not easy_

_To walk in your shoes_

_Day after day_

_You continue to amaze me_

_Now I sing this song of love_

_For you_

_My unsung hero_

_And I know it's not easy_

_To walk in your shoes_

_Day after day_

_You continue to amaze me_

_Now I sing this song of love_

_For you_

As I get closer I can see the tears cascading down her cheeks and can't wait anymore. I move to her and gently touch her, running my hand up and down her arm, resting it near her elbow. She looks at me, in what I can only describe as disbelief. I slide my arms around her body and she doesn't resist – so far so good. I want to hold her close to me … want our bodies to meld into one but not just yet. I keep my arms locked around her but our upper bodies are still not connected.

I wait for the timing to be right and then begin singing in a low rumble … hoping she appreciates the sentiment because I've never sang for anyone … except lullabies and Happy Birthday for the kids.

_Now I sing this song of love_

_For you_

_Sing this song of love_

_Sing this song of love_

_I'll sing it for you baby_

_Sing it for you_

_You are my hero_

The music fades and now I have to speak … now … speak … I have to get the right words out … say everything before I explode. Breath one … breath two …breath three.

"You are my hero, Liv. You have been since the very beginning. And I love you so very, very much," I whisper, my eyes darting between hers. "I'm a fool for not letting you know a long time ago but I beg you to let me make up for it now." I take a deep breath … make or break time. "Olivia Benson, I love you," I say, hoping the quiet desperation in my voice doesn't make me look weak.

Olivia brings her hands up and across my chest before linking her fingers behind my neck and pulling me towards her.

"I love you too, Elliot," she replies, before leaning in.

I move forward and my lips brush against hers briefly before settling and trying to pour everything into her that words won't do justice to. In an instance I feel her doing the same thing and I know, once again, we are in unison. There's a roar of applause, cheering and whistles around the bar but it barely registers as we remain locked in our embrace.

Finally Olivia pulls back. "How did you know?" she whispers. "About the bar?"

"A little birdie told me," I reply, embracing her tightly.

"Remind me to thank her," Olivia mumbles into my ear as she tries to nibble it.

"Take you home, Liv?" I ask, not wanting to waste another moment. Never want to waste another moment … not with her …never.

Olivia grins as she eases herself from the stool and into my arms. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me impossibly close to her … something to which I would never object. As she rests her head on my chest she sighs deeply. "I'm already home, El, already home."

And Boom! It happens my heart explodes I never knew happiness could feel like this … never knew love could make you feel like this … Boom! The house explodes and I think I have lost everything. Boom! My heart explodes I know I have gained everything. Boom!

The End

-----------------------Songbird------------------------

The songs are: I Want to Spend my lifetime Loving You and Unsung Hero both by Tina Arena.


End file.
